Some Music To Set The Mood. Its raining out and its 7:21 PM. A time I’ve always thought was odd. Not quite super late, but nowhere near early in any way.
I’m at a weird point in my life. As of writing this, I’m about 2 months from graduating from Anderson University. I’m at the turning point of my life. Here’s the weird part: I’m not scared and I’m not nervous. In fact, I’m really enjoying life right now. I’m spending a lot more time with friends than I have in any previous semester. It really, for the first time in this small shitty town, feels like college. You know like all the movies kinda portray it as? Well, maybe not that crazy. When I reflect back 9 months from now, the day before entering into quarantine for 4 months, I thought I would be scared shitless. Now, when I’m in this moment, I’m not scared. This is where the “fine” feeling comes from.
Should I really be scared right now? I haven’t applied for any jobs yet, but I’m going to soon. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I guess I’m waiting for a wake-up call. Someone to tell me to, “WAKE UP AND GET A JOB!”. I guess even when I’m at my highest peak, listening to a great podcast and playing video games, I still feel like I should be doing something. I don't feel like I’m wasting my time at all. I’m having fun. Shouldn’t that be what is important? My grades are great. Almost as good if not better than my best semester. What's weird is that I feel less involved in my school work than ever. I only go to class 4 days out of 5. I have only 1 class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Everything just feels… free? Why do I not have any responsibilities? Where are the tests? Where is the fear?
These questions just keep lingering in my head, even when I'm hanging out with friends or doing other activities I enjoy. There have been a few times I have really felt “overwhelmed” with the amount of work that I’ve had. However, even in those times, I was able to have “fun”. I hear everyone always talk about this fear of getting a job. This fear of not doing well on tests and just other responsibilities of life. Everything just feels… fine. Moments that feel amazing or awesome are fleeting. Instead, everything just feels fine. Not amazing. And nowhere close to bad.
Maybe when the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X, that I’ve literally waited for all year, will provide some extended awesomeness in my life. Maybe at that point, they come out, I’ll feel this overwhelming sense of dread that I’ve expected to come. Until then, I’ll just be fine. I think I’ll stop there for today. I’ll do another one of these sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after tomorrow.
